EMDR Can Help Your Child Make Friends

Are you concerned that your child is having a difficult time making friends? Are you unsure about how to help your child make friends? 

From children and adult clients who were emotionally affected by difficulties making friends, the most common reason I hear is the belief that “I’m different”.  Children unfortunately look for any difference and use it to tease and reject others.  Young children have immature brains, so they tend to be concrete or “black and white” thinkers.  They may repeat prejudices they learn at home or school.  Children in social situations group together, so a new kid would naturally find it intimidating to approach the group to break in and look for acceptance.  Some children are by nature more sensitive than others, so they could be even more apprehensive about asserting themselves.  Kids seem to have built-in radar, often targeting the sensitive kids to bully and reject.

Any rejection would cause a child to internalize the belief “there’s something wrong with me.”  Such internalized negative beliefs often stay with people as they mature, affecting their behavior and their feelings.  Anxiety and depression -- especially social anxiety -- are typical results.  These beliefs and feelings are what we target and work to change with EMDR therapy, not just for adults but also for children. 

The most valuable help a parent can provide is to listen without judging or problem-solving.  You can help by encouraging and helping your child to express his or her feelings. Work with your child to identify and name the feelings. You can then help your child to understand that his/her feelings are normal and acceptable.  Encourage your child to think of his/her own solutions.  Over the holidays my son and his family moved from San Diego to Los Angeles.  I asked my five year-old granddaughter how she felt about starting her new kindergarten class in January.  She told me she felt nervous.  I told her that was understandable and natural, and that when I was a kid I moved a lot and had to go to many different schools.  I told her I remember how scared I was to start each new school.  Then I asked her how she was going to deal with it.  She told me that what she had done in the past – starting a dance class, for example – was to look around for the prettiest girl and then introduce herself to her.  When I asked, “What if the prettiest girl wasn’t nice?”  she said she would look for someone else.  We continued the conversation for sometime, discussing her alternatives and role playing.  My granddaughter has had the advantage of attending several enrichment classes such as dance and drama, so that she has had some practice in making new friends in new situations.  It’s important that parents make sure that their children are exposed to social situations in which they can meet new friends from an early age.

If a child is being excluded, bullied, or is anxious about school and other social situations, and the parents have not been successful at helping, it’s important to seek professional help.  Patterns of behavior and negative beliefs often begin in childhood and can adversely affect a person throughout life.  I mentioned above that EMDR therapy, incorporated with play therapy, helps children change their distorted negative beliefs such as, “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not likable” or “it’s my fault”, to name a few more.  A good child therapist will also coach the parent/parents to emotionally support the child without solving the child’s problems.  Often the relationship between the parents and the child needs attention.  A therapist who specializes in working with children will be able to form a relationship based on acceptance and trust, to help the child use his/her own inner strengths in dealing with whatever problems arise in life, to teach good coping skills and self-soothing for feelings.  Kids who struggle to resolve their own problems, with the emotional support of positive relationships with their parents, are kids who develop good self-esteem and healthy emotional habits.  Those are the traits that make us attractive to others who will want to be our friends.